Pointy Hat Made of Felt

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last posted here. I still intend to run down all the concerts I went to in 2010 because I went to quite a few and they were all awesome. In the meantime here's something I posted nearly six years ago on my old blog.

I found it in an issue of Esquire in 2005, laughed myself nearly sick the first time I read it and had to share it. All this time later, it still makes me laugh.

This is dedicated to all the working stiffs out there. I hope life is treating you well and that you're able to take full advantage of the holiday weekend.

Quiz: Time to Quit Your Job?
Sun and surf beckon. Is it time to bag the office life? Take this useful test and find out.

By Brian Frazer

1. When the alarm clock goes off in the morning you’re …
A. psyched to hop in the shower and start your day (1)
B. cursing. (2)
C. crying. (3)
D. wishing you were handicapped so you’d never have to leave your bed. (4)

2. Which person is most like your boss?
A. Gandhi (1)
B. Ben Affleck (2)
C. Hitler (3)
D. Paula Abdul (4)

3. How long is your commute?
A. Less than a half-hour (1)
B. More than a half-hour (2)
C. Long enough to contemplate driving into oncoming traffic three times (4)

4. What is your mandatory work outfit?
A. None, thank you very much! (1)
B. Suit and tie (2)
C. Suit and bow tie (3)
D. Pointy hat made of felt (4)

5. What do your coworkers do for your birthday?
A. Lobster lunch with champagne and cake (1)
B. Ignore you (2)
C. Punch you in the arm while counting off your years (3)
D. Light you on fire (4)

6. What percentage of your day is spent doing something a nine-year-old retarded girl could do?
A. None (1)
B. 3 percent (2)
C. 50 percent (3)
D. Uh, how severely retarded? (4)

7. What is the number-one benefit you get at work?
A. Learning stuff and whatnot (1)
B. Health insurance (2)
C. Krispy Kremes (3)
D. Black Lung (4)

8. What do you see while you’re working?
A. An amazing view of the city. Crikey, is it beautiful! (1)
B. Lots and lots of graffiti (2)
C. The back of someone’s dandruffy mullet (3)
D. Nothing since the bleach accident (4)

Answer Key: Add up the points assigned to each answer you chose.
1 to 9 points: Stay where you are.
10 to 19 points: Start working on that résumé.
20 to 26: Get fired: collect unemployment.
27 to 33: Apply for a migrant-worker gig.