To All the Women I've Hurt Before

Nothing's really changed in the way women are being treated in the wake of #metoo, #timesup, the Women's March, the Kavanaugh confirmation farce, the election of our current president, the prosecution of Bill Cosby. What has changed is that issues of harassment, assault and discrimination are being talked about, and dealt with, much more openly. Women are talking publicly, loudly, passionately about experiences that were supposed to kept behind closed doors, that were supposed to be shameful, that were supposed to be forgotten.

As painful and frustrating as this process has been, I'm hopeful that it will all be for the best. I'm also hopeful that this will lead to more hard questions being asked and to more self-reflection being done by both men and women. We have the opportunity to treat each other better, to treat ourselves better. To get there, though, we have to be honest about the ways we've hurt one another in the past. I'm working on it and that's why I'm writing this apology.

Women are constantly played against each other. Andy Cohen would have no empire if we weren't. We're made to believe we have to do this for our survival, that there are only so many spots available for women at any table so we need to fight to the death to secure ours. Why wouldn't we believe it? Listen to the radio — how many female artists do you hear on any given day? Watch TV — how many women have lead roles? Go the movies — how many women are listed in the credits? Look at our government — how many women can you find?

This is the system we live in, the system we sadly perpetuate. So we hold on to whatever scraps we have by criticizing and demeaning other women. We take on the responsibility of policing how other women should act, should speak, should live. We live in constant competition with one another because you never know when some woman is going to come along to take your job, take your friend, take your man. Bitches!

We do this without realizing. I know I have. I know I've been so nasty to other women I knew and didn't know because I thought I had to, because I thought that was the way to stay competitive, to stay tough, to stay ahead. It's not. I've lost far more than I've gained from participating in this toxic system. We all have.

Can we stop? Can we stop foaming at the mouth for catfights? Can we stop with the pointless rivalries? Can we stop raising our eyebrows about another woman's clothing, another woman's voice, another woman's life? Can we stop criticizing how, if or when other women raise children? Can we stop criticizing how, if or when other women work? Can we stop criticizing other women's bodies?

We don't all have to be friends. We don't all have to like each other. We should at least respect each other. We should at least give each other space. I don't automatically side with a woman simply because she's a woman. It's OK to have different opinions, different values. It's not OK to for our gender identities and expressions to cause a division, to be an attack point, to be seen as a weakness.

I want this to stop. I want "shaming" to be erased from our lexicon. I want all of us to be better friends, better mentors, better coworkers, better neighbors, better relatives, better partners, better people. I'm working on all of those things myself, which is why I know I have to issue this apology.

I'm sorry to every woman I've gossiped about.

I'm sorry to every woman I've backstabbed.

I'm sorry to every woman I've built up a competition with so I could justify my terrible behavior.

I'm sorry to every woman I didn't stick up for.

I'm sorry to every woman I doubted.

I'm sorry to every woman I demeaned.

I'm sorry to every woman I didn't champion.

I'm sorry to every woman I chastised.

I'm sorry to every woman I judged more harshly than I ever judged any man.

I'm sorry when I didn't speak out for you.

I'm sorry.